Usually I chat fashion or glossy posse business for gals. But recently I realized the blokes in our lives might need a tiny bit of guidance. Because their dressing is getting so ridiculous, someone’s gotta step in.
I’ve been a long time observer of blokes fashion. Mostly because I like comedy. And they are genius when it comes to pulling together hilarious kit choices. Take for example the guy I saw this morning wearing what could only have been his sports uniform. From primary school. He looked 45. It looked size 5.
Or even on the home front. Just last week, I walked outside ahead of my family and when I turned back to determine their current whereabouts I laughed so much I nearly cracked a rib. What caused this hilarity? My husband stepping out (confidently) in a pair of baggy beige high-waisted hiking pants teamed with a fitted brown button up shirt and fingerless gloves…
A short while later, when my laugh-o-meter was down to giggles, I asked if he paid actual money for the clothing items or did they pay him to take them off their hands? As they quietly shut their business, realizing that fashion wasn’t their skill base after all… He looked confused by this question, then told one of our girls her skivvy (school uniform, compulsory) looked ‘very smart’.
Clearly, some basic bloke guidelines on what to and what not to wear are required. Before someone ends up in emergency. From a laughter based injury. Feel free to share with your bloke/brother/dad/guy you see around who could be the one, but you can’t get the courage up to chat to him while he’s wearing a tie-dye crochet waistcoat.
WHAT TO WEAR: legs
CHINOS. They are the go to for team USA. And there’s a valid reason. They’re a staple. But here’s where you need to play editor – flat fronted. Only. Avoid puffy, round fronted, or, god forbid, pleat front styles. Some guys think pleated pants make them look, er, endowed. Actual result? It showcases how many burgers they ate. For breakfast. Like a double chin. But lower.
JEANS. Two pairs. One dark (black/grey/ink), one blue. Well fitted. This means actually getting your bloke to try them on. I’ve seen guys wearing a short leg jean when they’re over 6 feet tall. Obvs they didn’t try them on before purchasing, because if they did they would realize they’re wearing culottes. Which are the exclusive domain of a lady detective in a small town called Cabot Cove.
CARGO PANTS. Not hiking pants. Key differences between these? Hiking pants convert to shorts. Cargo pants do not. They think efficient and Bear Grylls-like. We think ridiculous and barely human-like.
DRESS PANTS. One pair of ‘good’ pants for hitting the town. Definition of ‘good’ pants? They need to look cool enough so you can safely arrive at your date/evening destination together.
Where to source?
MJ Bale, Boss, Saba Men’s, Ralph Lauren Polo, Burberry London, J. Crew, Gap, Rag & Bone, Levi’s, Diesel, Saint Laurent, Acne Studios, Incotex, and Country Road all do excellent work in the leg cladding area.
WHAT TO WEAR: up top
TAILORED BLUE SHIRT. Can be check, stripe, herringbone, or denim. The key here is tailored. Too tight, he’s in the June 1997 edition of Smash Hits magazine on the ‘who wore it better’ page versus Marky Mark. Which he’s never going to win. Have you seen Marky Mark’s ‘guns’? ‘Nuff said.
SWEATER. Atleast one decent sweater. Without holes.
T-SHIRTS. Polos plus regular V or round neck. Be cautious of the very low ‘V’-neck. No one wants to see his belt. Via the ‘V’ in his T-shirt.
JACKET. One proper, grown up jacket. Which is not his year 12 school blazer or a garment that contains brass/gold buttons or hemp. Acceptable fabrics? Leather, suede, velvet, or fine wool.
Where to source?
Saba Men’s, Rag & Bone, Paul Smith London, Lanvin, MJ Bale, Etro, Incotex, Alexander McQueen, Boss, Farage, Herringbone.
WHAT TO WEAR: feet
EVENING. Dress boots, lace ups, wingtips, or a brogue.
DAY. Casual loafer style shoes, and/or trainers. Not for training in. So that pair of sweaty, yellow, 15 year old Reeboks is out.
Where to source?
Churches of London, Prada, Tom Ford, Bally, Swims, Converse, and Lacoste all provide perfectly shod feet.
Or just hit Mr Porter – male equivalent of Net-a-Porter, need I say more?… Okay, just one thing more, see below for man-fash-spiration. And, er, maybe wipe the drool off your chin before workshopping the below with your bloke.
